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I realize I fell into that old gay adage of placing my feelings on a person who, for whatever reason, was never going to invest them back in me. I believe it was just sex, or at least that’s what I have tell myself now to avoid slipping into a memory induced k-hole. I think, when I look back now and occasionally find myself tumbling through his Facebook page, that he wasn’t. I never learned whether the boy I lost my virginity to was struggling with his sexuality.
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I’m not sure whether I really fell for the guy or not, but I do know that at the end of it he was just using me to get off. And while at the beginning I felt like I had the upper hand in the situation-I was the one who was out and comfortable in my sexuality, right?-after each time we met became more secretive and more dirty, I began to feel secretive, dirty, and most of all shameful. We’d meet surreptitiously in dark and make out in the cold British weather on a park bench before venturing back to his place to have sex. I didn’t tell him that I’d never had sex with someone before instead, saturated with vodka and inflated by nerves, I was swept up in the motions.įor the next year, we’d hook-up on and off, usually at 3 a.m. All I know is that one moment we were talking and the next minute, well. The minutiae of exactly how things developed from us being together in that room to us having slightly unsuccessful sex in a bathroom in a different corridor have since escaped me. He was clearly intoxicated, but it was a party after all and who was I, quite drunk myself, to judge. It was late (or early, depending on your outlook on the world) when I was joined by the boy who was living in the room next to mine, way back on the other side of the building. I can remember, although I'd had some drinks, sitting alone in my friend’s room on a single bed, the mattress overly springy and with a coarse plastic coating, attempting to stream a song over our dorm’s spotty Internet connection. The whole thing went down near the end of my freshman year at a party, at which people from the whole dorm floor were drunk and celebrating, carelessly streaming in and out of each other’s rooms, following the various different pop songs until one room took their fancy. I was at college, living in dorms, and the experience-aside from the usual horrifying awkwardness and somewhat spontaneity of the occasion-was completely and utterly unremarkable aside from one thing: the guy I slept with identified as straight. Most women aren't aware of their husband's cheating. You need to be more aware of the person you're in bed with, ladies. You might just be sleeping with the enemy.I was 19 when I first had full-on sex with another man.
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Seventeen percent of divorces are caused by infidelity. It's a man that you love with all your heart lying and betraying you. But remember: we don't know you or have feelings for you. To us, it's just sex to you, it's a lot more. Most people want to put the blame on the mistress and not the person doing the cheating. But if he did, I wouldn't hate the person he was with I would hate my partner. I was in a serious relationship for many years and it would have killed me to know that he cheated. The married men I've been with have been school teachers, police officers, Wall Street businessmen and men who cheat while their wives are pregnant. I've even slept with a man the day before he got married.Īs I enter my 30s, I wonder where life will take me. I feel bad they live a life where they truly think they're in a happy marriage. They replied, "Yes." They told me they were straight, but enjoyed getting it on with men because their wives didn't know how or were just plain boring in bed.ĭo I feel bad for all the wives? Yes, I do. I asked all of them if they were married. Later that night when I was done, most of the guys that came over wrote me asking how long I was in town for and if they could swing by again before I left. As they started to come into my room, I noticed that each of them had a wedding ring on. After he left, I had a few other guys over. I acted like nothing had happened but I was a little shocked.
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I told her I was picking up food for her and the kids," he said with a straight face and picked up. "Hey, babe, sorry it's taking so long. I closed the door and walked over to him. Then, right when we were going for it, his phone started to ring. He walked in and moved to the foot of the bed but didn't sit.